paper gangsta. -gia-

So she’d asked, politely, if the antique white baby grand piano she’d bought with her own money in the city could be put in her dorm room, and after a couple of days of protesting, the school had finally given in with a bit more pleading then she’d originally intend to put forth, and she’d since skipped every single class in order to sit there and play it, the white ivory keys reaching to meet her hands as she pressed down on the pedals, making sweet, rich music out of a series of buttons and keys. It was amazing to her how she could string something together so easily and end up with a song that she knew, that was on the radio, that someone else had written. When she was feeling particularly boisterous, she’d sing along to the lovely music, the piano drowning out her voice despite the usually correct tone and inclination on all the right parts of the song. She could sing, that was for sure. She could sing and she loved her damn languages, but she never, ever progressed far with either. Too much stage fright to stand up there and play in front of ten people, let alone a hundred or a thousand. So it stuck inside the confines of her four walls, the music pouring out of her easily and fluidly, her thoughts and emotions focused solely around the sound of the song as she heaved back and forth on the piano, her once gentle keystrokes becoming harsher as the frustrating leaked through her fingertips. She was so tired of her family, and so tired of going out, and if she could, all she’d do was lay around in her room and stare at the ceiling, making patterns out of the popcorn, and occasionally she’d get up and order Chinese food, but it would pile up outside of the door because she’d never get out of bed to go get it when they delivered it, and then she’d have an affair with the delivery boy to pay for all the stockpiled Chinese food, but it would have gone bad, so she’d never get the chance to eat it, and she’d simply wither away until there was nothing left. Talk about a life plan. It sounded idealistic, if nothing else. And maybe, just maybe she’d get up and play the piano in between stints at the phone and laying in bed. But probably not.

And on top of her nearly psychotic piano-playing, she’d been desperately, chronically ill for the past week or so. After she’d puked at the bakery, she had to stop periodically on her way back home to throw up, and now was about the only day out of the whole week - a Friday, so it wasn’t like she was really missing anything - she’d been able to get up without feeling nauseous enough to toss her cookies onto the Persian rugs. She’d felt bad for Louie at first, who she still remembered with a clarity that was slowly scaring the shit out of her, and then she’d felt even worse when she realized that she’d left her jacket on the chair in the stupid, stupid bakery. With the rest of her damn Pain Au Chocolat. She was pretty sure just the thought of her expensive, furry jacket sitting forlorn and lost had been enough to trigger another bout of nausea. All together not a very attractive way to spend the time. And just as she was getting back into the horrible memory of walking down the street by herself, underdressed for the weather, there was a knock barely audible over the sound of her completely loud and obnoxious playing. She stopped abruptly, silencing the chords by slamming down the lid over the keys, the relatively large dorm room looming with the eerie silence that had chased her playing.

By the time she’d made it to the door and opened it, it had completely slipped her mind that she was only in a black lacy bra and a pair of underwear, both of which she’d gotten from Aeropostale for way less then they should have sold for. Again, not too big on the designer duds thing. More comfortable. And that was evidenced by the wear and tear on the edges of her bra, old, but still pretty enough to serve her purpose, which was just lounging around. And it wasn’t like she was fat. She was far from it, verging on stick-skinny, but with enough curves to get her by. Blue eyes landing on a slightly shorter girl, she took in the shirt, the underwear, the chucks, and a grin stretched across her lips. “Louie! I was just thinking about you.” and then she spotted the jacket in her hands, a white, fluffy beast, and she was about ready to flip a shit, her insides bouncing around a million miles per hour. “Come in, come in!” and that was about the time when a draft came in from outside, and she realized she was in nothing but her underwear. Swallowing back a lump in her throat, she pushed open the door the rest of the way and motioned inside, attempting to ignore the slight color that had come into her cheeks with that horrendous realization. Play it off like it’s normal. Just. Do. It. “It’s a bit messy…” which was an understatement. There was an assortment of music books everywhere, the TV was on, flashing that annoying electronic snow, because the cable box was broken, and a couple of aba ndoned bowls of cereal sat in the dorm sink. She quickly shut the door to the bathroom, which was worse, and flashed a quick grin. “But make yourself at home anyway…? I’m really sorry for the other day, I wasn’t feeling well at all, and actually I was sick just up until.. Today.” she winced, knowing it probably sounded like a lie, but she was usually utterly incapable of lying, so at least there was that as reassurance.

Gia was genuinely an honest person, she it took her by surprise when the truth wasn’t accepted. Instead of rebuking with something that might offend in hopes of retrieving an acceptable reaction, she merely dropped her chin until she was staring at her feet, for just an instant and then coughed to disguise her discomfort with the fact that she wasn’t being believed at the moment. It really, really wasn’t something she knew how to handle. Shoving a hand through her loose, messy hair, she frowned. “I guess you don’t have to believe me if you don’t want to, it’s just that skepticism isn’t exactly appreciated when I know I’m not lying. How could you know what I’m thinking, anyway?” she questioned, crossing her arms over her flat, slender stomach in something like proof, her frown deepening instantaneously, until of course the other girl came inside and made herself comfortable. Being from the south, even if Texas didn’t exactly count, there was little she liked more than seeing someone happy in someone else’s space. It felt like being at home and being warmed and welcomed, and not to mention the girl was obviously not one much for staying in one place so long, so it was a bit of a compliment that something like that would happen. Maybe she crashed down on people’s couches all the time, Gia didn’t know. She didn’t really care, either. She still took it as a good thing that she was staying to chat, right? Or maybe it was just her outfit. Either way, the previous insulted way she’d taken her excuses, however true they were, had evaporated as she hunted for a particularly high pile of books and other assorted things to seat herself on, considering the bed was in the other room and her couch was currently occupied by a tall, skinny, beautiful specimen of humanity. If only she could be that small. A quiver of longing flowed through her, and she cut it off at the neck instead of further embracing it, nervously tapping her fingers on her hip as she heard the words the made the entire room tilt at it’s axis.

It was dark in there, thank god. She would have seen the incredible paleness that came over her as her cheeks drained of their color immediately, a nervous sort of laugh escaping from her throat. She couldn’t deny it; she was a Leviton through and through. But she could, fortunately, save herself by agreeing. It did suck. Gia nodded, her hair bobbing around her shoulders as she crossed her arms again, uncomfortable so far away and suddenly a bit chilled through the glass that was at her back. “They’re my family, I can’t get away from them.” unfortunately. That was the unsaid word and it was obvious she wished she could disappear off the face of the earth when anyone ever brought up her last name. the connotations that went along with it were pretty horrible. Whore. Slut. They were all words that could be associated with her mom and then with her family, too. Everyone assumed they were garbage, but that wasn’t the worst part. The worst was knowing they were damned justified in thinking that, because they really weren’t anything but trash that needed to be taken to the curb. She still marveled at her ability to maintain a somewhat normal life, if she never brought it up. “And even if I try, they just come after me. Are you not home often?” she questioned, tilting her head and forgetting momentarily about her own problems in favor of learning some this maybe-perfect person may have had.

“So,” she stated, watching her flip through the music book, moving closer so she could sit in the nook between her arms and her hips, the indent in her body. Louie didn’t take up much room on the couch and neither did Gia; they both fit reasonably well. “Do you play?” she questioned, indicating with her head to the book in her lap and then to the piano in the far corner. Obviously she played, but it wasn’t obvious whether or not someone like Louie, who was very, very artsy, or she looked it, if she wasn’t, actually played.

It must be horrible to not be wanted by your family. Well, horrible and so freeing that it almost made Gia pass out with a the undeniable joy that it would bring her. Finally free of her ridiculous, garbage associated last name and able to spend the rest of her life living it the way she wanted, without the unwanted press coverage because no one would care. Out of the seventeen kids, she was probably the least interesting. Chloe was far better, far more fun to talk to and be around and sometimes, she wished she could just let her be the one who had to do everything. But she felt the unbearable responsibility of taking control over everything and that could leave her some pretty uncomfortable positions, if she wasn’t careful. But still. Nothingness. It was her ultimate goal, wasn’t it? It was everyone’s ultimate goal. To die. It was what happened in the end and maybe, just maybe, she’d considered pursuing it a bit quicker then she should have. She’d starve herself to death, before anything else happened. Her kidneys would just shut down or she’d become dehydrated from not having enough food in her system and eventually croak. But maybe they’d leave her alone, then. Maybe her sixteen family members would finally realize that she didn’t want them, she didn’t want any part of them. Releasing something of a laugh that allowed Louie to realize she was partly serious, she stated the next fact without much thought and immediately wanted to revoke it, just for the connotations it held. “Maybe I’ll come with you the next time, then. See if they come after me.” but of course she wouldn’t, because she had a responsibility to go to school in the fancy, expensive academy they’d put her in, and so far she was doing well. Or well enough. There wasn’t much to excel at because the curriculum wasn’t that difficult, to be honest.

And before she could really contemplate what was happening, she was sitting at the piano next to Louie, her slender figure showing goosebumps off like they were the new accessory because the big, bay window was right behind her and there was all the cold air coming through it. It was chilly but worth it, because the cold heightened her senses and made it easier to focus on the keys, to hear the distinguished notes and everything else that was going through her mind. “Um.. I don’t really remember the title,” she stated, a bit nervous as she always was when she was playing in front of an audience. It didn’t make much of a difference who it was, be it her brothers and sisters or maybe a kid she liked back at home, but now things were different and she was tapping the keys in front of someone who’d been around the block way more times then she had, who’d done things she couldn’t ever think of, who had more money to her name then there were atoms in a plastic cup. Swallowing hard, she started on the heavier chords, moving her foot on the pump in accordance to the rhythm and singing along to the melody, her voice high and clear, as it was when she was speaking but amplified by the bronze chords just inches away from her rapidly moving hands. It wasn’t an easy song for a beginner, but considering the day and the time, she figured they had a while and Louie knew how to play Moonlight Sonata, so this really wasn’t a step up at all, merely just another milestone that would help her transition into something like a regular playing pattern. God knows she could afford a good piano, if she wanted it. The best in all pianos, if she so chose.

“Okay, you start off here…” she murmured, placing her hands on the keys because she couldn’t actually read music, which would explain all of the music books. She was trying to teach herself and it was going unsuccessfully, for the most part. She could, however, hum a melody and then usually get it down on the keys within a couple of minutes, so it wasn’t surprising that she could play most songs. Just the level at which they were played varied. “and that’s eight times, and then you hit this one,” she sounded a key an octave over at the same time, deepening the note. “And then back up, a couple more times, and then you begin the melody with your left hand. she was singing it, subconsciously, as she played, a habit that she found impossible to break despite years and years of trying. “Have you got it?”

click.

It was amazing, Louie’s ability to pick up the music without trying very hard. Or maybe she was trying, but her determination didn’t seem very full of effort, and it sort of made Gia jealous. Sure, she could hear a song and play it, but when that was different then knowing the music sheet for it as well. She smiled, though, happy with her ability to show the girl a new song and teach her how to play it the right way, or at least how she liked to hear it played. It was pretty, slow and meaningful. For her first tattoo she’d decided that getting something from the lyrics would be a good thing to have on her permanently. She loved it now, and she doubted that would change as time passed. Maybe she could be like all those other people with their inked skin and draw strength from a couple of bolded words outlined on the flesh that would last her from her until eternity. Eyes slowly closing and opening again, leisurely, languid blinks, she slid her hands off the keys once Louie had it and looked at her, watched her play. It was peaceful, it was calming, as it nearly always was, and Gia found herself longing for something that could take her away to a different place and didn’t involve a heavy, expensive instrument. Catching herself before she lifted a piece of the other girl’s hair out of her face so she could see better, she turned her hands back down to the keys and watched as the rhythm went by, and soon enough a question was out of Louie’s mouth to destroy the silence and tear it to pieces. It wasn’t something she’d contemplated, to be honest, because she knew something like that wasn’t one of her better decisions and Gia had absolutely no idea how to handle what was going on in her life at the moment, let alone stand beside someone while they figured theirs out. Unless she meant go out in a friendly way, which there was some residing doubt that she did. She’d admitted to liking the same sex in the bakery, and there was nothing wrong with that, but Gia couldn’t… it wasn’t right. For her.

There were times when she found herself staring at the enchanting female figure, the hips and the width they contained, and the clothes of the other girls in the school, but it was only once or twice and she’d look away as soon as she realized she was doing it. So why did she want to say yes to her so badly? Why did she want to go out with her, not just as friends? She bit her lower lip, the tell tale sign that contemplation was occurring in her brain, and debated the options. She could stay inside her room, lounging around in her underwear as she was now, for the remainder of the weekend. That would provide, what, maybe two, three hours of entertainment tops, and the rest would be spent bored out of her mind? She could hang out with her family, and that would be good for a while, until she realized that she didn’t actually want to be associated with them out of sheer embarrassment. Things weren’t going to stay so smooth forever. Honestly, she just wanted them to settle down and help her figure out what was going on in her own life before she had to do everything else in god’s name to make it all right for them. Unfortunately, things never worked that way and Gia had to help her family before her self, which might explain why she despised them so much. It wasn’t that she actually hated them as individuals, just that she could think of umpteen other things she’d rather be doing than be called a Leviton in public and acknowledged as one of them. So slowly, she nodded.

Her breath hitched as Louie’s lips touched her skin, her lungs refusing to continue pumping air into her system in accordance to the lovely, lovely girl at her side. She wanted to touch her, to brush her fingertips over the tanned, smooth skin and move away the strands of hair in her eyes. To tell her that if she wasn’t welcome at home, she could come to Gia’s room and she’d make it all go away, because obviously it bothered her. She could say she didn’t want a home, but everyone needed a place to call their own; if you didn’t have that, the only thing you had was yourself and the clothes on your back. It wasn’t a very nice existence, she understood that much about living nomadically as Louie seemed to do. She nodded again once she could retain a steady breathing pattern, offering a shy smile, her head turned towards the girl, sitting sideways, but instead of actually looking at her, she was staring at the nirvana shirt. It was good that the lighting inside the room was dim; she was flushed from the exhilaration of giving in to at least one of her wants. “Yes, I’ll go out with you.”

She felt insane, going along with a plan that might involve something like sky diving or walking through the jungle. That’s at least how she pictured Louie, despite the girl’s relatively calm and placid exterior. Brushing her fingers through her hair, she offered something of a nervous smile and a sweet, quiet blush when she mentioned how she didn’t want her to get dressed. In all reality, she welcomed the idea. “What should I bring?” she questioned, slipping off the bench to rummage around in her belongings and find something that covered way, way more of herself then was currently on display now. As was typical of the girl when she didn’t feel like she had anyone to impress, or just when she was going on a flight and didn’t feel like dressing up in anything special, she slipped into that comfortable, urban-bohemian style that reflected her home life absolutely perfectly. Some things were slightly mismatched but she managed to make them work regardless, favoring long, flowy materials to things that would clink to her slender figure and make her stand out all the more. Among other things that she put on her figure were a sweater, a green army style shirt with a pocket that she could stick whatever in, and a long, lace maxi skirt that was so delicately stitched she could hardly run it through the washer for fear of ripping it to pieces. On her feet were a mere pair of sandals, nothing special since they wouldn’t be showing anyway, and she stuffed a bag to the brim with a couple of clothes of every size, running into the bathroom to stick her toothbrush, toothpaste and a couple of vitamins she practically lived off of into the layers of material. Realistically, she knew the weekend would go by really fast and she might just come back wearing what she set out in, but if there was one thing that struck her about the other girl it was the fact that she hardly seemed to go by a stereotypical plan. There really wasn’t anything normal about her and that fact both enticed and scared the living shit out of Gia, who’d lived her whole life by the book and understood only how to play the game by those rules.

Biting the inside of her cheek, she shuddered, barely visible, as Louie’s lips touched her skin once more and resisted the urge to turn her head and catch her mouth with her own, the impulse something she’d never quite experienced in this high of an intensity and frankly, didn’t care if she ever did again. She didn’t want it, she didn’t want to feel the level of rejection and go through all the trouble people (she supposed, somewhere on the inside, she knew the truth, however reluctant she was to admit it) that were gay went through. It was nice, to finally meet someone who could make her feel like this, to see how she didn’t have to pretend to be someone else to make this one specific example of humanity happy. But it wasn’t probable. She knew her parents would be furious at the thought of her turning out gay; she knew they’d probably excommunicate her and never talk to her again. That wasn’t what she wanted. Despite how much she’d distance herself from them on purpose, there was never a day that went by when she didn’t talk to at least one of her seventeen siblings and however much she may express her disdain towards them for making her an anomaly, she loved her family. Something would be wrong with her if she didn’t. “Doesn’t your family have a plane?” she questioned, slightly curious as the inner workings of the girl before her. She didn’t know her last name, but judging by the opposition to old money, she was either one of them or new money who’d been tormented; either way, Louie was loaded and there was little doubt about that in Gia’s mind. So why wouldn’t they have a plane? Her family did. Always. There was always a plane waiting on the tarmac for whenever they wanted to go somewhere. “I mean, I don’t mind commercial, but.. It just seems like you’d have one, is all.” she added to the end, justifying her words and perhaps messing up in the process, she wasn’t too sure.

click.