they leave their houses -doli-

[RHETT DONATIEN OSANNE]

Ideally, it wasn’t the best place to take a walk, and he knew that. But there were supposed to be some pretty cool people buried within the confines of the wrought iron gates, and Rhett was no stranger to the idea of age-old perfection, so he was taking a couple notes in case he actually did up and die soon and needed a place to be buried, in which case he could leave behind a couple of instructions and have it done right. His long, lean body clothed in a pair of black levi’s jeans and a blue button up to keep the chill out, as well as a leather jacket to really keep his arms from falling off, the man was utterly alone inside a park with a bunch of dead people rotting under his feet. Really, he thought it was a stupid place to put people and then not expect disease and bacteria to spread that way. Christ, they were rotting six feet under where he stood, and yet people thought it was so much more civilized then just dumping their bodies. Same thing, really. Just in a wood box and a couple of feet under the ground. No difference other than that, apart from a lengthy religious ceremony and a couple of tosses of sanctimonious dirt right on top of their loved ones, symbolizing god knows what. He’d been lucky enough to never have to accompany someone to a funeral, and apart from that of his relative when he was very, very young, Rhett had never had to go to one.

He wasn’t supposed to be gone for long, because Doli was back at home with the baby, but it wasn’t very far from her apartment and he usually stayed there to take care of Baby. It was just easier; he didn’t have to move his shit, but he still kept his apartment in case he needed it, because knowing Dolores, a fight would come and blow up in their faces and ruin everything that they tediously were working on once again. It would be sooner rather than later, and he knew it probably wasn’t going to be late at that. Brushing his hands through his thick, black hair, he paused at a large, cross shaped monument and slid down to sit at the base of it, his long legs spanning the gap between this grave and the next one over. His Italian was pretty shitty, so he couldn’t read the inscription, but it was probably just the same as all the others. And then something caught his eye. -Alighieri was who’d signed off of on it. As in Dante. As in Inferno. He couldn’t help but release a wry smirk, recline further, comfortable in the presence of someone who’d apparently had the same sick sense of humor in life and in death, too.

And as for Elise, well.. He hadn’t even heard from her. But he guessed she knew what had happened, what with the incredible amount he’d ended up telling her the night after the hospital, and it’d only taken about an hour or two before he was sitting on Doli’s doorstep, waiting for her to come out to make sure it was all as good as it was before he’d taken a detour to ‘get his clothes and take a shower’. Yeah, bullshit. He didn’t like lying to her, but sometimes it was for her own good. And Elise seemed to grasp how madly head over heels he was for Doli, how he’d always been that way, and she finally understood what it was like to give up everything so one person could be more happy, because you didn’t deserve them. He was trying to make things better but it just ended up like he was running from his problems, which he was doing as well, and it was wrong to leave her behind, and he knew that, but he couldn’t take it anymore.. And all of it had nothing to do with her. He’d explain that. He’d promised himself that she would understand that it was in no way her fault. Lighting a French cigarette - still, even though he was in Italy now and they probably had better ones - he took a drag, blowing the smoke out in rings. It was peaceful, there. Almost enjoyable. Very, very quiet. It took a lot of effort to keep from drifting off into a peaceful sleep. Mostly because he’d felt that he owed it to her, for the past couple of nights he’d been staying with Baby whenever she woke up, rocking her for hours because she hardly ever felt the urge to sleep.

[dolores maria haze]

She was sitting there. Just sitting there watching her as she slept. She always seemed to get quiet whenever she came into the room or picked her up. It was like a magic trick or something. She'd smile and Baby would giggle. If she got the hiccups, she'd scrunch up her nose and have that weird worried look on her face. Was it weird for babies to be so expressive? And the things she'd say, though they were just random noises...It felt like she could understand her...

And despite all those little things; despite her dimples, her tiny fingers and toes, that mess of soft black hair, those large yet slightly feline blue eyes...Despite her sheer beauty and being everything she could ever hope for and want in a child...

Dolores was cracking. She missed her. A terrible nostalgia washing over her every time she thought about Baby even when she was in the next room. But it was what she represented. She kept thinking about her mother, only twenty three, bringing a tiny baby girl into the world all on her own...And yeah, Rhett was there. Yeah, Dolores knew that they were trying and all to make it work but she still felt completely alone. She knew it was wrong to constantly want to grab all her things, toss it in a suitcase, and walk right out and never look back. She could do that, right? It wasn't like Baby would be alone...She had her father and he would be way better at this parenting thing than she could ever be. She was just a stripper. Just. A. Stripper. Which was how she ended up leaving Baby with her good friend Headmaster De Luca (who was somewhat tired of waiting for grandchildren and thus practically became Baby's grandfather) and practically ran off the school. She thought maybe she could leave without bringing anything with her but her passport and a wad of cash since she took all of her money out of the bank over the course of the past week or so. Who was she trying to fool? She couldn't be a good mother...She'd end up like her own and though her own mother was wonderful, she could see it in her eyes that she used to want to quit...It was why she died. She had nothing to live for. It didn't matter how much Dolores begged for her to hold on, she didn't. She didn't want to. She didn't care that Dolores was only twelve and had no idea how to take care of herself. And her father left too...It was in her genes to take off and not look back...At least Baby would have her father, right?

So now she was walking through the cemetery since it was a short cut to town and the local bar so she could get drunk so she wouldn't think about it as much as she sat on a plane back to the states which she was clutching hard in her small fist. She was in her pajamas which was basically just some shorts and a tank top and then she had some flats on. She didn't bother thinking about the weather. Her adrenaline was pumping so quickly through her veins that the cold didn't even seem to register. She had to get this done like ripping off a band aid...

But what she also hadn't anticipated was all the emotions that would slam into her like a brick wall the more she walked through the land of the dead. Too many times had she been in a cemetery always looking on as the coffin was brought down into the grave, always being the one to toss the flowers, always having to listen to everyone feeling sorry for her and her stupid fucking loss. And she felt like she was back in Bridgeport. Back to the sobbing that never seemed to go away, back to the empty feeling, back to just...running. Running away from everything instead of just facing it like she should.

Leaning against a tree, she took in a deep breathe attempting to steady herself as she clutched the small purse to her chest that was full of money and a passport. But she was crying again. The silent sobbing she despised and that she thought she went through already. She served her time in her little depression phase and it was suppose to be over, right? She knew it had never been over, though. She knew she was simply distracted...but she knew that distraction had been the only thing keeping on a direct course to actual recovery. But she didn't have him anymore and it didn't matter how many times she told herself they could fix it-she still pictured it. Him leaving. Just like everyone else.

He might as well have died that night. Rhett. It would have felt the same-never seeing him again. So she locked her jaw and closed her eyes tightly, swallowing back the lump in her throat as tears streamed down her face while leaning against the silly tree. She just had to get through this. It would be better if Baby never got to know her.

[RHETT DONATIEN OSANNE]

The insides of Rhett's brain were mere moments away from turning to mush when he heard the sounds of someone's feet snapping twigs, when he saw a shadow come right through his line of vision and the smell that followed that enticing, curvaceous shadow was one he knew all too well. Dolores. But what the fuck was she doing in a cemetery? Maybe she was coming to get him, he reasoned, maybe she couldn't see him from the outside because he was sitting by that cross and it was pretty obvious that it was ten times bigger than he was, even though he was no small kid. Exhaling the smoke silently, he checked over his shoulder and rose to his knees, looking over the edge of a couple of tombstones for the familiar, distinctly feline features that had kept him so enticed for such a long period of time. He could recall that face in his mind at any given moment. That beautiful, obtrusive mouth, the lovely hair and the eyes that were so blue you could see into them for miles and miles. There was so much hidden in her eyes, so much thought and so much emotion. Much more feeling than he'd ever encountered in one of his own breakdowns. It was like peering into another world, where feeling was just it. There was no communication besides that, and he knew that was how she functioned. They never talked anything out. They never, ever, ever just sat and spoke about what was on their minds because even after they'd been together for months, she was still so damned secretive and yet whenever he asked, she shut him up or diverted the conversation in another way. It wasn't fair; whenever she asked, he immediately spouted off whatever information she wanted to know and that was that. But he wasn't a little kid and he didn't complain about it vocally. Just mentally. So it was really no surprise to see her crying. That part was normal. The part that wasn't normal was that she was holding something that was either a letter, a plane ticket, or a test result in her hand, and crying. Not pushing the truth, that part worried him extensively.

He stood, confident she wasn't looking so he could come up to her, talk to her. Ease her pain a bit. But as he walked, it became clear what was going on. Who would be watching Baby? She wouldn't have gotten a babysitter so she could come here. And where was the normal bag full of stuff she carried? Where was the rock from the beach that she seemingly never put down? The thoughts swirled in his brain, coming to one solution but he didn't want to settle on it. Instead of admitting what was obviously going on, he just placed his hand on her shoulder, not even bothering to vocally greet her. She didn't deserve it, if what he was thinking was true. Especially after the other night, he'd been naïve enough to hope that everything could be okay. That they wouldn't fall apart again, and he was trying so damn hard to make it work; this was like a complete flashback of the last time, except this time it was him in Dolores's shoes and he wasn't going to handle it in the same way at all. He refused to cry. He steeled himself to her emotions before he'd even come over there, because he knew. Deep down, however much he didn't want to see it, he did. He saw it was a plane ticket and he saw where she was going and he could understand, somehow, how it might be logical. But she was being pea-brained and he didn't take to that very well. “Hey, Sunshine.” he finally said, his voice edgy but he was obviously attempting a normal conversation. “Where are you going in such a hurry, huh?” he questioned, eyebrow raised inquisitively as he gripped both of her shoulders, just making sure she wasn't going anywhere. There would be no evading his questioning, not now. “Something make you sad?” he continued, wiping her tears from her cheeks with numb digits. “I wasn't aware a flight could do that.”

“Because that's what this is, isn't it?” he ran his hands down the course of her arm, grabbed the ticket in her hand and pulled it out of her grasp in one simple move, not even bothering to make sure he didn't hurt her. At this point, he was so beyond livid that he could punch something, kick it, maybe kill it. But not Dolores. Because even through the red haze that had settled over his generally complacent features, Rhett was still madly in love with her. It was probably why it hurt so much to see her walking, or flying, away from Milan and into the states. Right back into where she was. “This is exactly why it didn't work to begin with, “ he spat, releasing her and bringing the cigarette up to his lips. He was quick enough to catch her and drag her back for more inquisition if she attempted escape. “You keep fucking running away from everything. Christ, I left to get some goddamn air and I come back to an empty house, because, big surprise! You ran away again. And you always did. Even back in fucking Bridgeport, all you'd do was run away whenever I said something you didn't like. You can't do that. You have a baby, you have a baby back wherever the fuck you left her, and you have a responsibility to take care of that child. What the fuck is wrong with you? Christ, Dolores. Running away from the people you love, from the people who love you.. again. Just stop it. Just... stop.”

[dolores maria haze]

The second she felt his hands on her, every muscle in her body tensed up and the adrenaline seemed to pump even more into her system. Maybe she was going into shock because it sounded like her ears were clogged as he spoke. She knew he was pissed. Of course he was. Anyone in their right mind would be pissed at her. Maybe it was the way she raised herself because confrontation hurt too much so running away was easier...Then she could deal with it on her own. But she couldn't do this...whatever this was. Maybe it was Baby, maybe Rhett, maybe it was her own life she just couldn't do. So she let him somewhat shake her and she closed her eyes tightly as if it would somehow make him go away and all of this was a dream, her shoulders scrunching up and somewhat curling in on her torso as if she could turn to dust and disappear with the cold winds she was numb to.

"Leave me alone..." she practically croaked it out as if her voice was dry or worn out with age...Like she had been screaming in a concert only a few moments ago and totally lost her voice in the process, "I can't do this..." she shook her head, "I can't...I just can't..." she let her head hang low with her hair like a wild mess of a curtain so he couldn't see her. This wasn't how it was suppose to go. She was supposed to leave without him noticing. He would get back, De Luca would give him Baby, and he would just live on and forget her because he'd be too pissed off at her to bother remembering. Baby looked like him anyway...So it wasn't like she would be a reminder to him, "Give me back the ticket," she looked up at him, not wanting to keep crying but she couldn't help it, "I have to go...I don't want this," she was lying...because she knew she didn't have to go and she knew, deep down somewhere, she did want this...All of it. Her first shot at a real family and everything was going so well...that it freaked her out to be honest. She couldn't be a mother. Who was she kidding, "And you don't fucking know me," she bit her lower lip hard, "So don't fucking judge me for the shit I've done," she felt like her mind was in a fog like that night long ago in the club when those guys drugged her up and she blacked out. She was in a haze, clouded by her own past and how she simply couldn't let go of it.

"I can't be with anyone," she struggled to pull herself away from him as if his touch burned her but it was no use because she was honestly extremely tired. She didn't eat much as it was, a bad habit that somehow formed especially after Baby was born (even further back when she was modeling) and so she always just felt tired. She couldn't sleep, even if she was pretty good at faking it, and all she wanted to do was disappear under a rock until it was time to be buried six feet under, "I'm not good for you and Baby," she struggled again and once again it was in vain, "Everything is wrong with me," she felt pathetic and she figured it was probably because she was, "I don't know how not to runaway..." It was true. She didn't know how not to run away and the even with Baby in her womb she had been running away from the idea of a child, as much as she tried to convince herself that she wasn't, by not being entirely prepared. When her mother passed away she mentally ran away from actually grieving for her by getting lost in the same world her mother had gotten lost in. When Lionel passed away after getting shot overseas she picked a spot on the map and went there. When Rhett cheated she couldn't handle it and once again picked another spot on the map and went there. Anything to avoid whats he was feeling at the current moment. She didn't want to feel the pain so running away from it was easier than facing it. Yeah, she cried. Yeah, she sobbed. In a way, over the years, it had slowly helped her repair herself but it wasn't enough to bring her out of that fog she was stuck in since she was in her early teens. And she didn't think there was a way to get her out of it.

"Just let me go..." she let her head hang low again, "Baby is fine...I promise....Just let me go....I'm sorry....please..." she was practically pleading with him to just let her go. She didn't know if she meant physically, emotionally or anything but she just needed to be let go. It pained her to leave Baby and Rhett but she thought it was for the better. Her mother did it, why shouldn't she? It was the same thing...She'd slip off the face of the Earth for the better.

[RHETT DONATIEN OSANNE]

“You don’t know you,” he stated, staring at her with the blue eyes, the obvious hurt and anger and general frustration with her evident in everything he was doing, in everything he was saying. Why wouldn’t he be angry? She was trying to walk out and leave behind her kid, his kid. He wouldn’t let Baby grow up motherless because she had a case of post-partum depression and didn’t want to take care of her all of a sudden. For Christ’s sakes, everything was fine until today, or he’d thought it was at least okay. Guess he was wrong. She could have at least given him some sort of notice that all was not as it seemed before she completely jumped ship, right? That wasn’t asking too much. “So how am I supposed to?” his eyes didn’t leave her face, the ticket still in his hand, waiting, watching. He remembered that night on the beach when he’d gone to watch the sunset and even though it was pouring down, had came equipped with an umbrella at least so he wouldn’t get too wet. There wasn’t anyone else there apart from Doli and he’d been fine with that at the moment, even though he basically hated her, and then she’d walked to the lightning streak, picked up the piece of glass, still steaming.. And god even knew where it was. He didn’t care. He should have thrown away that fucking piece of shit long, long ago. It would have saved him all the trouble and kept her angry at him; hell, at least then she’d have a reason. “And don’t fucking give me that shit because you know it’s not true. You can’t, you can’t. Why can’t you? Why?” he wasn’t yelling at her, he didn’t bother raising his voice because it wouldn’t get him any farther. He just gave her that look that meant he disapproved, the tone in his voice said everything else that wasn’t coming from between his cracked, dry lips. They’d been that way since he started drinking. Tossing the cigarette away from him, stubbing it out under the heel of shoe, he turned his attention back to Doli and this time, the burning, passionate hate for what she was doing was so obvious in his words that he didn’t physically have to yell. She knew how furious he was just by the way he was speaking, his sentences choppy and bullshitting. He didn’t cry. That wasn’t something he was capable of and this was no different then any other situation; he’d wake up tomorrow just like he would every other day in the rest of his life only this time, he might do it alone.

“And what’s this shit about not being good enough for me? Christ, Dolores, you’re losing your mind. Get it together, would you? Baby thinks the world of you already, can‘t you open your eyes and see that?” it wasn’t mean, it was more pleading then anything. He knew, even if he didn’t give her the ticket back, even if he walked her home, he’d wake up tomorrow and she’d be gone. And if not tomorrow, then the next day, or the next. There was no doubt in his mind that she’d leave when she felt she was able to do so, so why keep her from doing it now? “Where is she? Where’s Baby?” a tad more stressed, his syllables clipped and smooth somehow at the same time. He didn’t want his child with some raving lunatic and that’s obviously where this was headed, wasn’t it? She’d probably drowned her in the bath tub prior to coming to the cemetery to walk through and pick out which one she liked the best. “You want to go so damn bad? Here. Take the fucking ticket.” he tossed it at her, finally peeling his eyes away and shaking his head. “Just go put your finger on a map and run away like you always do. Maybe you can go somewhere really nice, like Fiji. An island, so you’re by yourself and you don’t have to feel so insignificant, because obviously that’s exactly what you are.” there was sarcasm dripping off of his tone and he hated it, he hated it so much that he could choke on it and die; he’d rather. But he couldn’t himself. There was no controlling it. Part of him, or most of him, was hoping desperately that she’d stop this madness and go back to the apartment, or if she did leave, yearning for her to come home later in the night and say she was wrong, she didn’t want to leave him. She didn’t want to be just like his parents and everyone else in this godforsaken planet, and think too much of him when he obviously didn’t deserve it. Nor did he want it. And he couldn’t live up to it, just to add another thing to the long list that was wrong with him. What in god’s name was she even going on about? “So, so insignificant. You don’t matter to anyone. Is that what you want to hear? Do you want people to tell you what you’re thinking? That you can’t do anything right and the chance to start over is going to be pulled out from under you feet like a carpet?”[ /b]

[dolores maria haze]

Dolores couldn't look at him directly, not bothering to grab the ticket and simply leaving the bag she hadn't realized she dropped on the floor. Once he let her go she was going, "She's with her godfather," she mumbled out, "And don't fucking tell me what I already know," she locked her jaw slightly. She didn't sound angry or frustrated at him but more at herself. In the back of her mind she was wrong. She knew all of this-leaving-was wrong...But every other part of her seemed to smother it out for the past weeks and all she could do was listen to it and follow that gut instinct she had grown so accustomed to, "You're both better off," she said over her thin shoulder as she started walking off, the cold finally hitting her so she wrapped her arms around her thin frame, barely clad in anything suitable for winter. And once she was sure she was out of his line of sight, she was running. Her legs taking her wherever. She didn't care where...she just felt like she couldn't breathe. She was outside but it was like the darkness of the night was closing in and she had to keep running from it. So she just kept running. It didn't matter if her chest and her muscles ached-she just kept running...Because it was currently all she could do to clear her mind.

---

It took four hours and fifteen minutes for her to figure out that she was stupid...Very very stupid. She had been tempted to go back to how she used to be. To living for herself and no one else. It was so tempting she couldn't help but try to reach for it. Or maybe it was the stupid depression crap her doctor threw at her over and over because of her extremely long history of depression not only in her own life but on both sides of her parents. She was bound to get that depression back especially when it never really went away, only remained hidden for a year or two. She had been running for half of that time and when she stopped somewhere she didn't recognize and the initial adrenaline rush wore off, all she could do was think. Think endlessly about a decision that could change not only her life but the life of two people who meant more to her than any other living creature on this planet.

Which was why she was standing over Baby's crib, watching her fast asleep and completely unaware of everything that could have...and that wouldn't happen. She couldn't leave her. No, she couldn't. She couldn't leave her the way Doli's mother left her. It wouldn't be fair would it? Maybe that sob fest she had was just her finally crying for her mother, for her dead fiancee, for everyone else that she left or left her... Because she cried the whole time she was running and she simply couldn't stop. But she was Dolores Maria Haze and she was suppose to be stronger than that, right? She could survive through anything...No-she couldn't. But she could damn well try and remembering how she felt when her mother passed away and then her ex...well, that with the anger in Rhett's tone of voice and Baby's giggle was what made her turn around, and take the two hour run back home to the people she belonged with.

Reaching in, she gently rubbed the inside of her palm and then leaned in and placed a soft kiss on her forehead. That baby smell...the one she would only have for a little while before it would go away and she would grow up...She didn't want to miss her first steps, her first words...She didn't want to miss any of it. She didn't want to miss Rhett's reaction to all of it either. She didn't want to miss him teaching her how to ride a bike, playing tickle fight, taking her to her first day of school, walking her down the aisle on her wedding day...So she moved away from Baby and silently made it into the living room where Rhett was sleeping on the couch as he normally did since she had somewhat made a point to not sleep next to him for the past few weeks and if they did, she would sleep on the farthest end so they wouldn't be touching...

And with that she, in that silent way she always was, she got on top of him, gently smoothed his hair back, and then leaned in she softly pressed her lips against his, "I'm sorry," she whispered, barely moving her face away from his, "for being stupid...again," despite always seeming like she was confident in everything she did, she really did doubt herself constantly and the modeling she used to do only made her self esteem plummet even lower than it already was. She was just an utter genius at hiding it...until she basically exploded. Her fingers lightly traced his face as she looked down at him, "I won't go anywhere...I promise," she wouldn't because she realized what exactly she was giving up this time and she wasn't willing to give it all up. It was too much in exchange for being completely alone...in Fiji.

[RHETT DONATIEN OSANNE]

Was he really sleeping? No. There was no way to make sure that she was coming back for sure and that completely, utterly helpless feeling had kept him from all but shutting his eyes, which was what he was doing because they hurt. They hurt from staying open and staring at the sky and as soon as she’d left, he’d gone back to that man’s house and gotten his child, picked her up and cuddled her until a clearing of Mr. De Luca’s throat made him finally get out of his house and go back to the apartment that he’d only recently gotten a key to, shove the key in the lock, whip up a bottle for the week-old infant, burp her and finally lay her down in the crib, swirling the mobile for good measure and turning on the sweet, innocent song that came from the plastic structure right over the bed. Fur Elise. His favorite. The only thing he’d learned to play on the piano, despite his many years of lessons. It didn’t really stick with him and he’d much rather swim to his heart’s content then sit at a piano bench and learn something like that; it was completely insignificant on the scale of life and wouldn’t ever effect him in the long run. He was hardly a concert pianist. So he’d collapsed on the couch to the sound of the baby monitor on the table by his head, stared at the ceiling and fought back all the anger that had flowed through him until she’d pushed open the door and come into the house, shut the door softly behind her and made her way across the room to make sure he hadn’t done anything stupid. He wasn’t exactly the kind of kill off their baby and she was sleeping peacefully, beautifully, finally. Unlike him. He was still sitting there, his muscles aching and his brain clouded and confused, but he guessed he knew, somewhere in the back of his mind, that she’d be back. It wasn’t positive, but the chance was pretty high. Apart from that, he’d refused to mourn her until she’d been gone at least three days. In fact, it was only four hours. He’d waited four hours on the couch, staring at the ceiling and she was back. He’d never been happier to see her.

He shifted so he was sitting, ignoring her kiss and placed his hands gently on her hips, keeping her in position so she didn’t fall when he sat up. “I’m sorry I said all those things,” he shook his head, staring at her with the puppy-dog eyes he usually adapted when he was looking at her, so very, completely different from the look he gave her in the cemetery. He didn’t like his expression when he was mad, but as of late it had been the only way he’d been looking, especially towards Elise when she asked what was wrong. That infuriated him more than anything Dolores could ever, ever do. Rubbing his fingers down her spine, he shifted slightly in his position and folded his hands just above the small of her back. “I love you. So, so much. I want to help in any way I can, and if that means you have to leave for a little while to feel better, that’s fine.” it wasn’t preferable, but if she didn’t feel good he wasn’t going to keep her in a castle. He wasn’t exactly the kind of person to hold someone hostage against their will. “I can take care of Baby and I’ll work when the money I have saved runs out, I’ll get the Godfather to take care of her on those days… it’ll be a piece of cake. I’ll miss you, but if that’s what you need, then by all means. Go for it.” she’d said she wasn’t going anywhere but if she wanted to take a break, then so be it. He could handle it. He didn’t want to; he’d lost her once before and all that had come out of it was a spiral into alcohol, but now was a little bit different. Now they had a child together and they weren’t married and she had his last name, and there were so many more determining factors. He didn’t know what had happened earlier but it scared him; he didn’t want it to happen ever again, if he could help it.

Unfortunately, this was the only way he could think to do so.

[dolores maria haze]

Her eyes wavered as she looked at him and shut her mouth to listen. Her gaze faltered a bit when he said if her leaving would make her feel better then he'd deal with it. She didn't want him to deal with it because he shouldn't have to. He shouldn't have to deal with her problems and her issues and it was why she never really opened up to him in the past. Now the only reason she didn't open up wit him, other than the usual reason from before, was because of Elise. As much as she said she forgave him, even though she truly had, it was just something that was difficult to forget. She knew what Elise looked like naked from walking in on photo shoots or the two of them changing in the back before going on the catwalk. The fact she knew what she looked like naked and obviously knew exactly what Rhett looked like naked and putting two and two together just made the usually perky butterflies in her stomach start murdering each other with guns and knives like bloods and crypts. She didn't like thinking about it...or about anything that caused that feeling to rupture her heart and guts. It was just one of the many reasons she ran away from everything...She just wasn't a fan of confrontation.

"I love you too," she said quietly, looking back up at him after her fingers started to slightly play with the hem of his shirt, "But if I ever leave," she bit her lower lip and shook her head a bit, "I won't come back..." she didn't know how else to explain it except in that blunt manner. If she left even if it was just to take a break, she wouldn't come back. She'd be reminded of her old life of simply indulging in her own pleasures, losing herself in her own mind and distraught emotions, and she wouldn't go back to Rhett and Baby. It was why if she had been gone for more than those four hours, she would have never looked back and would have made it to that airport and would be off flying to whatever country had tickets available at that current time,"You can't let me leave," her voice cracked slightly and she was looking down again as if in shame...because she was ashamed. She always thought she had more self discipline than that. Guess not.

"And you don't need to do anything," she slowly exhaled, not realizing she had been holding her breathe the entire time, "Just...don't let me leave...'Cuz I don't want to but..." she scrunched up her nose slightly, glad her hair covered half her face, "I don't know...How am I suppose to take care of another human being when I can't even take care of myself?" it was probably the wrong question to ask because deep down, the root of the problem was her own upbringing. She knew how to take care of herself...But only herself. Sure the past week she had no problem taking care of Baby...or at least she showed she had no problem. Deep down she was freaking out every five seconds whether she was alright or not and occasionally it would show when she would not show up to work because she didn't want to leave Baby even if Rhett was home. It all got down to the point which was the fact that she simply did not feel like she was prepared for any of this. To try and repair the damages of a relationship that had practically been perfect, to taking care of a child that she knew she would just be the shittiest role model for, to dealing with students who drove her up a fucking wall every single day. But it was Rhett, it was Baby, it was work and she needed all three to function. Without work she was basically screwed not just because of the lack of money but because she would go insane. She wasn't the type to be able to lounge around all day unless she was exhausted. No, she had to constantly be moving and if she wasn't-something was wrong with her.

She missed dancing, painting for her own pleasure, cliff diving, taking walks on the beach, waking up in the middle of the afternoon and humping the crap out of Rhett just because they could, getting drunk and ending up in an entirely different country half naked in the hallway of some fancy apartment building...

"Guess we'll just have to find out, huh?" She glanced up at him and chuckled a bit, as she usually did when she tried to add some sort of light on a situation, "Oh...and those four hours I was gone? I missed you terribly," she let a soft grin fall over her face as she easily slipped off his shirt. It had been forever since she had sex...she was surprised she was functioning without it...Well, any sexual contact really. She didn't know how Nuns and virgins did it considering she lost her virginity when she was thirteen, "And I only came back because I didn't want to sleep on a park bench," she was kidding, of course, simply by the tone of her voice it was obvious, "It's pretty cold outside, ya know," her skin was freezing actually...she was practically numb all over, "I think I need a personal heater."